1 We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!
2 All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.
3 If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
4 When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
5 Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
6 Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
7 Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
8 I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
9 Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
10 Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
11 First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
12 Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
13 Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
14 Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......
15 My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...
16 Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?
17 I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
18 Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…
19 If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…
20 Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
21 Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
22 It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
23 News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
24 God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
25 The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
26 CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
27 Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
28 This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
29 Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
30 I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
31 ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
32 Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
33 Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
34 Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
35 Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
36 I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
37 There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
38 What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
39 What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
40 I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
41 A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
42 Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
43 What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
44 Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
45 Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
46 What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
47 The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
48 Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
49 WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
50 What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
51 Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
52 Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
53 What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
54 What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors
55 Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
56 Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
57 Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
58 I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
59 I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
60 How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
61 For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
62 What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
63 Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
64 Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
65 Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
66 What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
67 What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
68 How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
69 Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
70 Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
71 Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
72 A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
73 Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
74 I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
75 If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
76 Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
77 What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
78 can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
79 It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
80 I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
81 Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
82 You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
83 I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
84 My Reality Check bounced.
85 Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
86 Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
87 Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
88 Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
89 Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
90 There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
91 Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
92 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
93 Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
94 What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.
95What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant
96Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
97 Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1
98 What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.
99 What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
100 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
101 Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
102 How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.
103 Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
104 If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?
105 Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
106 If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
107 Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.
108 I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
109 I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.
110 Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.
111 A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!
112 Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
113 A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
114 A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
115 A dyslexic man walks into a bra
116 A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
117 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
118 Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
119 I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
120 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
121 News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
122 God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
123 The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
124 CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
125 Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
126 This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
127 Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
128 I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
129 ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
130 Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
131 Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
132 Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
133 Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
134 I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
135 There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
136 What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
137 What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
138 I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
139 A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
140 Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
141 What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
142 Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
143 Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
144 What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
145 The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
146 Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
148 WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
149 What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
150 Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
151 What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!
152 Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
153 What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
154 What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors
155 Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
156 Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
157 Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
158 I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
159 What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.
160 I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
161 How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
162 For sale : Air Bags, Used once.
163 What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
164 What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
166 Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
167 What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
168 What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
169 What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
170 How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
171 Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
172 Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
173 A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
174 Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
175 Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
176 I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
177 If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
178 Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
179 What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
160 Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
161Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?
A: One has a real live culture.
162 Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag?
A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.
163Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.
164 Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
165 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
166 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.
167 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.
168 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?
169 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.
170 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.
171 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?
172 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.
173 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.
174 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.
175 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?
176 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.
177 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.
178 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?
179 Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked.
180 (_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!
181 He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!
182 T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network
new jokes
Jokes Cycles
Folklorists, in particular (but not exclusively) those who study the folklore of the United States, collect jokes into joke cycles. A cycle is a collection of jokes with a particular theme or a particular "script". (That is, it is a literature cycle.)[9] Folklorists have identified several such cycles:
the elephant joke cycle that began in 1962
the Helen Keller Joke Cycle that comprises jokes about Helen Keller[10]
viola jokes[11]
the NASA, Challenger, or Space Shuttle Joke Cycle that comprises jokes relating to the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster[12][13][14]
the Chernobyl Joke Cycle that comprises jokes relating to the Chernobyl disaster[15]
the Polish Pope Joke Cycle that comprises jokes relating to Pope John Paul II[16]
the Essex girl and the Stupid Irish joke cycles in the United Kingdom[17]
the Dead Baby Joke Cycle[18]
the Newfie Joke Cycle that comprises jokes made by Canadians about Newfoundlanders[19]
the Little Willie Joke Cycle, and the Quadriplegic Joke Cycle[20]
the Jew Joke Cycle and the Polack Joke Cycle[21]
the Rastus and Liza Joke Cycle, which Dundes describes as "the most vicious and widespread white anti-Negro joke cycle"[22]
the Jewish American Princess and Jewish American Mother joke cycles[23]
the Wind-Up Doll Joke Cycle[24]
Chuck Norris jokes
Tom Swifties
Gruner discusses several "sick joke" cycles that occurred upon events surrounding Gary Hart, Natalie Wood, Vic Morrow, Jim Bakker, Richard Pryor, and Michael Jackson, noting how several jokes were recycled from one cycle to the next. For example: A joke about Vic Morrow ("We now know that Vic Morrow had dandruff: they found his head and shoulders in the bushes") was subsequently recycled about Admiral Mountbatten after his murder by Irish Republican terrorists in 1980, and again applied to the crew of the Challenger space shuttle ("How do we know that Christa McAuliffe had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders on the beach.").[25]
Berger asserts that "whenever there is a popular joke cycle, there generally is some widespread kind of social and cultural anxiety, lingering below the surface, that the joke cycle helps people deal with".[26]
Humour
In the comedy field, humour induces an "economized expenditure of emotion" (Freud literally calls it "economy of affect" or "economy of sympathy". Freud produced this final part of his interpretation many years later, in a paper later supplemented to the book.).[6][8] In other words, the joke erases an emotion that should be felt about an event, making us insensitive to it.e.g: "yo momma" jokes. The profound meaning of the void feeling of a humour joke is "I'm a cynic". An example from Woody Allen:
“ Three times I've been mistaken for Robert Redford. Each time by a blind person. ”
This field of jokes is still a grey area, being mostly unexplored. Extensive use of this kind of humour can be found in the work of British satirist Chris Morris, like the sketches of the Jam television program.
Black humour and sarcasm belong to this field.
Psychology of jokes
Why we laugh has been the subject of serious academic study, examples being:
Immanuel Kant, in Critique of Judgement (1790) states that "Laughter is an effect that arises if a tense expectation is transformed into nothing." Here is Kant's 217-year old joke and his analysis:
"An Englishman at an Indian's table in Surat saw a bottle of ale being opened, and all the beer, turned to froth, rushed out. The Indian, by repeated exclamations, showed his great amazement. - Well, what's so amazing in that? asked the Englishman. - Oh, but I'm not amazed at its coming out, replied the Indian, but how you managed to get it all in. - This makes us laugh, and it gives us a hearty pleasure. This is not because, say, we think we are smarter than this ignorant man, nor are we laughing at anything else here that it is our liking and that we noticed through our understanding. It is rather that we had a tense expectation that suddenly vanished..."
Henri Bergson, in his book Le rire (Laughter, 1901), suggests that laughter evolved to make social life possible for human beings.
Sigmund Freud's "Jokes and their Relation to the Unconscious". (Der Witz und seine Beziehung zum Unbewußten).
Arthur Koestler, in The Act of Creation (1964), analyses humour and compares it to other creative activities, such as literature and science.
Marvin Minsky in Society of Mind (1986).
Marvin Minsky suggests that laughter has a specific function related to the human brain. In his opinion jokes and laughter are mechanisms for the brain to learn nonsense. For that reason, he argues, jokes are usually not as funny when you hear them repeatedly.
Edward de Bono in "The Mechanism of the Mind" (1969) and "I am Right, You are Wrong" (1990).
Edward de Bono suggests that the mind is a pattern-matching machine, and that it works by recognizing stories and behaviour and putting them into familiar patterns. When a familiar connection is disrupted and an alternative unexpected new link is made in the brain via a different route than expected, then laughter occurs as the new connection is made. This theory explains a lot about jokes. For example:
Why jokes are only funny the first time they are told: once they are told the pattern is already there, so there can be no new connections, and so no laughter.
Why jokes have an elaborate and often repetitive set up: The repetition establishes the familiar pattern in the brain. A common method used in jokes is to tell almost the same story twice and then deliver the punch line the third time the story is told. The first two tellings of the story evoke a familiar pattern in the brain, thus priming the brain for the punch line.
Why jokes often rely on stereotypes: the use of a stereotype links to familiar expected behaviour, thus saving time in the set-up.
Why jokes are variants on well-known stories (eg the genie and a lamp and a man walks into a bar): This again saves time in the set up and establishes a familiar pattern.
In 2002, Richard Wiseman conducted a study intended to discover the world's funniest joke [1].
Humour and Jokes have also been concluded to be logic that is completely random or vice versa.[citation needed]
Laughter, the intended human reaction to jokes, is healthy in moderation, uses the stomach muscles, and releases endorphins, natural "feel good" chemicals, into the brain.
Anthropology of jokes
In 1975 anthropologist Mary Douglas noted that "Joking as one mode of expression has yet to be interpreted in its total relation to other modes of expression";[1] scholar Seth Graham remarked that 30 years later this statement remains largely valid
JOKE
A joke is a short story or ironic depiction of a situation communicated with the intent of being humorous. These jokes will normally have a punch line that will end the sentence to make it humorous. A joke can also be a single phrase or statement, such as with sarcasm. Joke can also be used as a slang term for a person or thing which is not taken seriously by others in general or is known as being a failure. A practical joke or prank differs from a spoken one in that the major component of the humour is physical rather than verbal (for example placing salt in the sugar bowl).
Jokes are typically for the entertainment of friends and onlookers. The desired response is generally laughter; when this does not happen the joke is said to have "fallen flat".